


Just A Thing We Do

by LandOfMistAndSecrets



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anal Sex, Bulges, Dick Pics and Sexy Selfies, Earth C (Homestuck), Established Relationship, Gratuitous Smut, M/M, Oral Sex, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Post-Canon, Sexting, Terrible Terrible Sexting, Xeno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-27 00:01:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14413314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LandOfMistAndSecrets/pseuds/LandOfMistAndSecrets
Summary: Or, as I have been calling it, The DaveKat Sexting Fic. ENJOY





	Just A Thing We Do

The first time his phone buzzed, he was standing in the middle of the shower, soapy and still half asleep. He’d left his phone on the ablution block counter, and he barely heard it go off. The second time, he did notice, frowning at where he thought it was through the foggy glass. The third time, he bared his teeth at it and opened the door, peering at the notification and trying not to get too much water on the tile. 

They were from Dave, of course. What a surprise. He grumbled and backed into the shower, again, slamming the glass door behind him. Then he shouted loud enough that he was _sure_ Dave could hear him, wherever he was: 

“Dave, god damn it, if you need to tell me something, you can just _talk_ to me with your fucking _words!_ ” 

No response, except for another buzz from his phone. Karkat sighed. One of those mornings. Fine. He turned the water up and rinsed off in a hurry, thinking about all the ways he was going to voice his displeasure at having his shower cut short, and in the meantime his phone went off again and vibrated itself clear off the counter, clattering loudly to the floor. Great. Fantastic. 

He hopped out, wrapped a towel around himself, wiped his hands and grabbed it up.

TG: ill never understand your need to wake up so fucking early every morning  
TG: evening whatever  
TG: are you in the shower i think i hear shower sounds  
TG: cant believe you just left me in this cold ass bed by myself unbelievable  
TG: this is neglect  
TG: we watched a movie like this once  
TG: it starts all innocuous with you sneaking out of bed for early showers and ends with me crying on the phone to jade like i just dont know he started spending all his time at work away from home all of a sudden was it something i did  
TG: were eating like five gallons of ice cream together on the couch and shes nodding sympathetically  
CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON THE PHONE.  
TG: what  
TG: i am on the phone  
TG: right now typing at you  
CG: NO, IDIOT. ON THE PHONE WITH JADE IN YOUR PUERILE FANTASY ROMCOM SCENARIO.   
CG: YOU CAN’T BE ON THE PHONE COMMISERATING AND PHYSICALLY ON THE SAME COUCH TOGETHER SIMULTANEOUSLY.  
TG: fuck you who says we cant  
TG: maybe thats just how we roll  
TG: spoon in one hand phone in the other  
TG: maybe im just really tired huh did you consider that before you started poking holes in my oscar worthy screenplay karkat  
CG: THIS HAD BETTER NOT BE WHAT YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER FOR.  
TG: no  
TG: send nudes btw  
CG: I’M ALREADY DRESSED, SORRY.  
TG: that is such a lie  
TG: youre probably standing there all dripping wet glaring at your phone and by extension me with a soggy towel wrapped around your ass   
CG: NO, YOU’RE WRONG.   
CG: I’M TOTALLY AND SENSIBLY DRESSED, READY TO GO ABOUT MY DAY, WHILE YOU, DAVE “ACTUAL LIVING DISASTER” STRIDER, ARE STILL LAYING IN BED AND WHINING AT ME ABOUT LITERALLY NOTHING VIA TEXT, WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY MENTALLY PLOTTING OUT DAYTIME GRUBTUBE SERIAL DRAMAS ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP.  
TG: drop the towel and send me a pic karkat  
CG: NO!  
TG: do it  
CG: ABSOLUTELY NOT.  
TG: alright then im going to be forced to resort to text  
TG: do you know what id do if i was in there with you right now  
CG: I CANNOT EVEN FUCKING BEGIN TO FATHOM.  
TG: are you sure  
CG: PRIMARILY BECAUSE EVEN ENTERTAINING THE SCENARIO REQUIRES THE SUSPENSION OF DISBELIEF INHERENT IN ASSUMING YOU COULD POSSIBLY PROPEL YOURSELF ANYWHERE ON YOUR OWN TWO STRUT PODS AT SOMETHING RESEMBLING A DECENT WAKING HOUR.  
TG: alright no let me tell you  
TG: first…  
TG: fiiiirrrrst  
CG: SEE? YOU CAN’T IMAGINE IT EITHER. IT GOES AGAINST ALL THE KNOWN LAWS OF THIS UNIVERSE.  
TG: first im pretty sure id take that fucking towel off  
TG: just whip that thing right off you  
TG: try my best to resist my instinct to snap it at your bare ass   
CG: OH PLEASE.   
TG: probably fail to resist and do it anyway but its cool cause itd be real playful in that way you always pretend makes you angry but you actually enjoy  
CG: SAYS WHO??  
TG: then id drop it while you’re skittering back away from me to protect your ass and grab you instead  


Oh, shit. He squinted down at his foggy phone screen, wiping it absently with his wrist. His face felt too hot to blame on the residual steam rapidly fading from the block. His thumbs hovered over the screen, and he almost -- almost fell for it. Grab me where, exactly, he thought, but he could imagine about six thousand separately devastating ways Dave could own him utterly in response, and it was the pre-emptive shame conjured from those scenarios in his mind’s eye that saved him. He sat on the edge of the tub and let his breath out in an irritated huff. Asshole. 

TG: pull you in real close while youre still all sputtering at me   
TG: putting up all these fake exaggerated protests while i cop a cheeky yet not entirely unwelcome feel  
TG: and just when youre about to start yelling in my face id employ the absolute most reliable shut karkat up immediately technique known to man  
CG: WHAT IS THIS, RIGHT NOW?  
TG: ill give you one guess  
CG: I CAN GUESS YOU’VE FUCKING FLIPPED YOUR PAN!  
TG: wrong   
TG: the answer is i kiss you obviously and btw it fucking owns  
TG: ten out of ten kiss  
TG: the perfect blend of tenderness and tongue  
TG: and tbh kissing didnt even have to be a part of this i was totally throwing you a bone there cause… idk  
TG: i figured youd like it  
CG: OH, LIKE YOU DON’T?!  
TG: fair  
TG: but it took basically all my restraint not to just skip ahead  
CG: HOW MUCH OF THIS DO YOU HAVE PLANNED OUT, EXACTLY??  
TG: well theres definitely a part where i lift you up onto the counter  
CG: SCATTERING ALL OF OUR VARIOUS POSSESSIONS SITTING ATOP IT UNCEREMONIOUSLY TO THE FLOOR.   
TG: i lean in real close to whisper in your weird but also totally appealing pointy alien elf ear  
CG: HALF THE BOTTLES SHATTER, FRAGILE AS THIS LUDICROUS FANTASY.   
TG: hey come on  
CG: WE RETURN TO REALITY. A BETTER REALITY. THE REALITY OF FIVE MINUTES AGO, WHEN I WAS CONTENTEDLY WASHING MY HAIR AND YOU WERE DROOLING ALL OVER A PILLOW CLUTCHED TIGHTLY TO YOUR CHEST.   
TG: i wasnt clutching any god damn pillows  
TG: or any of that other stuff  
TG: listen didnt anyone ever tell you its rude to be an asshole while your boyfriend is trying to be sexy  


And, despite all his instincts and better judgement, he actually _wavered_ at this, staring down at the glowing red text, frowning. 

No, there was no fucking way. He scrubbed a hand through his wet hair tangles and made a frustrated sound. It was too early in the goddamn evening for any confusing, bulgeknotting bullshit. 

CG: DIDN’T ANYONE EVER TELL YOU IT’S RUDE TO INTERRUPT YOUR BOYFRIEND WHILE HE’S TRYING TO ENJOY TEN MINUTES OF PEACE, IN THE SHOWER, ALONE? FAR FROM ANY MISGUIDED ATTEMPTS AT TEXTUAL ENTRAPMENT, COCOONED IN THE SWEET BLISS OF HOT WATER AND WHITE NOISE AND THE UTTER ABSENCE OF ANY BARBED, EMBARRASSING SEXUAL OVERTURES?  
TG: no but in retrospect maybe it was obvious  
CG: I KNOW THIS MAY SURPRISE YOU, BUT EVEN I HAVE A HARD LIMIT ON MY TOLERANCE FOR YOUR BULLSHIT. A LIMIT WE HAVE NOW SHOT PAST AT TOP SPEED, SCREAMING SOUNDLESSLY INTO THE VACUUM OF SPACE BEYOND. MY BLOATED GANDERBULBS WILL BURST ANY SECOND NOW, AND DO YOU KNOW WHO WILL BE TO BLAME, DAVE?   
CG: YOU. YOU WILL BE THE ORCHESTRATOR OF MY DEMISE.  
TG: ok i got it no morning sexting  
TG: at least not on days when karkats clearly crawled out the wrong side of the pile  
TG: you can end this weird and offputting metaphor now look im switching off the phone and setting it gingerly aside before it literally bites me  
CG: WAIT  
TG: what  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU SEND ALL THOSE MESSAGES FOR IN THE FIRST PLACE?!  
CG: THE REAL REASON.   
CG: OR WAS IT REALLY JUST TO TROLL ME, IN THE VAGUELY RACIST HUMAN SENSE OF THE WORD.   
CG: VERY FUNNY. NICE ONE, BRO. YOU GOT ME.   
TG: sure ok  
TG: now shut up and go enjoy your shower   


Ignoring the way his cheeks were just a _little_ too flushed to be entirely a residual effect of his truncated shower, he irritably set the phone to silent and started the faucet again, fully intending to hop back in. 

But his fucking think pan just wouldn’t stop gnawing at it. 

Grumbling to himself, he tightened the towel around him and turned back to the screen, letting the shower run without him. 

CG: LISTEN, THAT WAS A JOKE, RIGHT?  
CG: YOU WERE JOKING.   
TG: yeah karkat obviously i was joking  
CG: OH GOOD.  
TG: unless youre into it then i absolutely was not  
CG: RIGHT.   
CG: YOU SUCK AT JOKES.   
TG: you suck at showers  
CG: AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?!  
TG: do you at least still have soap in your hair  
CG: NO!  


He stood up and practically threw the phone aside, sending it skittering along the tile edge of the tub. 

And that was the end of it… for about three days. 

*

He’d been wrapping up with Kanaya on a semi-weekly dinner date they tried to schedule and keep, because otherwise, they tended to go months with text-only communication. It was ridiculous how quickly time could pass -- or at least, could _feel_ like it was passing -- in their new universe, and how much they usually had to catch up on. Even if most of those things were embarrassing domestic things Karkat could only bring himself to talk about in public in conspicuous hushed whispers Kanaya obviously found amusing. She played along, though, whispering right back about the confounding foibles of long term human relationships. 

CG: HEY. I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’RE STILL UP, BUT I’LL BE HOME IN AN HOUR OR SO?  


He generally tried to let Dave know when he’d be coming home, out of a sense of common goddamn courtesy.

TG: oh hey  
TG: an hour really  
CG: WELL, DAVE, SOME OF US ARE STILL STUCK NAVIGATING THE EXCITING WORLD OF MUNDANE TRANSPORTATION, ON ACCOUNT OF THE FACT THAT WE CAN’T ZIP THROUGH THE AIR IN GOD PAJAMAS LIKE THE LAZIEST PANTHEON EVER LEGITIMIZED BY THE POWER OF SKAIA IN ALL ITS MALICIOUS WHIMSY.   
TG: tell kanaya i said hey  
CG: I ALREADY DID. AND SHE ALREADY SAID “Hey” BACK, AND ASKED HOW YOUR LATEST SLAM POETRY VERSES WERE GOING, TO WHICH I ALREADY REPLIED, “EAR SPLITTING AND ASININE IN BOTH FORM AND EXECUTION, AS USUAL.” SO I THINK WE FULLY COVERED ALL THE PLEASANTRIES.   
TG: nice  
CG: YEAH, I LIKE TO KEEP IT REAL.   
TG: whatever you like my shit dont lie  
TG: anyway   
TG: dont wanna distract you from your dinner date  
CG: NO, WE’RE ALREADY DONE. KANAYA IS GONE. I AM CLIMBING INTO THE BACK OF A BUGGY AS WE SPEAK.   
TG: jesus and its still gonna take an hour  
CG: DON’T RUB IT IN.   
TG: we gotta get you a rocket pack  
TG: or a hoverboard  
TG: or some other less lame mode of transportation  
CG: I SAID DON’T RUB IT IN, DAVE!  
TG: ok change of subject  
TG: how about since youre alone  
TG: and im just laying here all lonely waiting for you and shit  
CG: YEAH RIGHT.  
TG: thats totally what im doing right now man   
TG: no lie  
TG: maybe we could like…   
TG: talk  
CG: TALK.  


He shifted in his seat, glancing guiltily up through the window between front seat and back. The driver was paying absolutely no attention to him, which was good, because his face felt uncomfortably warm. His eyes kept flickering to the word “laying,” despite himself -- what did he mean? Was he laying in bed? No, fuck, don’t think about that. 

TG: about stuff  
CG: ISN’T THAT WHAT WE WERE JUST DOING BEFORE YOU BEGAN THIS BIZARRE TANGENT?  
TG: no like STUFF stuff  
TG: what are you wearing right now kinda stuff  
TG: if you catch my drift  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT I’M WEARING RIGHT NOW, IDIOT. YOU LITERALLY WATCHED ME WALK OUT WITH IT ON!  
TG: are you serious  
CG: YES? ARE YOU??  
TG: ok so either youre fucking with me in which case fuck you or the drift has gone completely uncaught  
TG: its gone so far over your head its basically approaching the upper atmosphere  
TG: doomed to burn up in the hellish fires of reentry  
TG: its blackened twisted corpse will turn out on some beach one day  
TG: really freak out some innocent bystanders  
TG: they were just on vacation man whyd you have to ruin their shit this way  


He snorted, scrubbing at his face, sure he was full on blushing, now. This was tortuous.

CG: I’M GOING TO TURN THIS OFF NOW.   
TG: all you had to do was catch the drift karkat  
CG: AND ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS MAKE ANY GOD DAMN SENSE WHATSOEVER!  
TG: yeah but after last time i thought it might be polite to ask first  
CG: ASK WHAT?!  
TG: nope nevermind  


He squinted at the screen, frowning, waiting for him to elaborate. But there was nothing. The seconds stretched into minutes, the city flew by beyond the buggy windows, and Karkat lost his god damn patience. 

CG: ???   
CG: THAT’S IT?  
TG: what  
CG: YOU’RE NOT EVEN GOING TO TRY TO EXPLAIN?  
TG: no   
TG: well  
TG: fuck listen  
TG: i literally cant believe that isnt a trope in troll romcom hell   
CG: HEY!  
TG: what are you wearing right now babe  
TG: oh funny you should ask im wearing NOTHING bam maximum romantic and more specifically sexual tension achieved  
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD.   


He actually physically flipped the phone over, squeezing his eyes shut, and then he stuffed the thing under his ass and sat on it for good measure. Out of sight, out of mind. It couldn’t cause any trouble, now. 

Only, of course, Dave didn’t stop texting. And it buzzed at him every time he did. And -- oh, god. The driver was definitely sneaking looks at him now, brows creasing in the rearview reflection pane. Karkat grimaced, reaching under him and retrieving the phone, pretending not to notice the silent judgement happening up front. 

TG: then they spend an hour talking about their intentions and shit which are all hella lewd and smoking hot  
TG: and by the time they actually see each other in person theyre all riled up and ready to go  
TG: and then idk they probably bang  
TG: someone should hire me to write movies for them i have it on good authority that at least one alternate version of me was pretty good at it and lets face it it takes real talent to come up with this kind of quality material   
CG: FIRSTLY, YOUR ALTERNATE SELF DIDN’T “WRITE” ANYTHING, I’M FAIRLY SURE THE “SCRIPT” FOR THOSE MOVIES CAME OUT OF A CRUDELY CODED CHATBOT PROGRAM SET TO MAXIMUM OUTPUT STUPIDITY.   
TG: they werent THAT bad  
CG: SECOND, ARE YOU ACTUALLY TRYING TO INITIATE SOME KIND OF TEXTUAL FOREPLAY, RIGHT NOW?   
TG: oh my god  
TG: did you actually just unironically use the words “textual foreplay”  
CG: WELL??   
TG: jesus shitting christ karkat  
TG: that is not a sexy term  
CG: BECAUSE “AND THEN IDK THEY PROBABLY BANG” IS SO FUCKING EVOCATIVE!  
CG: I’M SWOONING, DAVE.   
CG: RIGHT HERE IN THE BACK OF THIS BUGGY.   
CG: SORRY TO ALARM YOU, DRIVER, MY BOYFRIEND IS JUST TOO GODDAMN SUAVE TO HANDLE.   
TG: whats weird is thats a completely true statement and yet im sensing some sarcasm  
CG: YOU DON’T SAY.   
TG: fuck it nevermind my boner is well and truly dead  
TG: you hear that karkat youre a murderer  
TG: youll be lucky if i dont press charges  
CG: HAH.   
TG: yeah laugh it up while you still can  


He covered his eyes with one hand, typing -- badly -- with the other, leaning away from the phone as though an extra few inches of physical distance could lessen his culpability somehow if he actually walked into this trap.

CG: IT’S JUST, YOU SAY THAT NOW, BUT IN AN HOUR OR SO WE BOTH KNOW IT’S GOING TO BE A WHOLE DIFFERENT STORY.   
TG: oh really  
CG: TELL ME IT’S NOT THE TRUTH.   
TG: what kind of story will it be karkat  
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT KIND!  
TG: the kind youre totally looking forward to actively participating in  
CG: YOU WISH.  
TG: well yeah  
TG: thought that was obvious  


A nervous little shiver went straight through his middle. He was actually considering it, again. It was a long ride home, and the truth was, he would probably be better at it than Dave was, if his texting prowess was anywhere near as bad as his pillow talk. And it almost definitely would be! Karkat tapped his fingers over the keyboard, and he had the invitation all written up -- WELL, MAYBE I JUST NEED A LITTLE CONVINCING -- but he hesitated over the send button, grimacing. It could still be a trap. Dave could and would absolutely hold this over him for fucking ever, what the fuck was he thinking? The rush of humiliation that thought brought with it lent him some much needed clarity, bringing him swiftly to his senses. He shook his head, hard. His thumbs flew over the screen. 

CG: WILL YOU KNOCK IT OFF? I’M NOT FALLING FOR THIS!  
TG: because you already fell for this a long time ago right  
CG: UGH  
TG: right?  
TG: eyebrows btw  
TG: off the charts  
CG: YOU KNOW, THIS CONVERSATION WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE THE TIME PASS FASTER, NOT SLOW MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE TO AN EXCRUCIATING, EMBARRASSING WIGGLER SCRABBLE. THE SECONDS, MY GOD. THEY’RE TAKING HOURS EACH.   
TG: im trying to put together a seductive time joke without opening myself to immediate vicious ownage but its actually surprisingly difficult  
CG: THE ONLY SEDUCTION THIS CONVERSATION IS PRESENTLY LEADING TO INVOLVES ME TAKING YOUR PHONE AND SEDUCTIVELY SHOVING IT UP YOUR LIMBER ASS.  
TG: all right thats a little weird   
TG: but probably not the absolute weirdest foreplay in our storied history  
CG: ALL RIGHT!  
CG: YOU WIN, I’M DONE  
CG: IF THE ONLY SAFE MOVE IS NOT TO PLAY THEN SO BE IT! I QUIT!  


And to put a point on the matter, he switched the screen off and threw the phone onto the opposite seat, practically growling. Ahead of him, the buggy driver raised his eyebrows at him in the reflection pane. Karkat glared back, crossing his arms, daring him to ask. 

Wisely, the driver kept his mouth shut. 

The worst part was that there was a part of him that wanted -- really badly -- to fall for it. He had lines thought up that made him blush just to think about. Things that Dave could never have handled gracefully, and wouldn’t that have been poetic, turning the tables on him like that? But when he thought about actually committing those things to text, thought about Dave laughing at him, lording them over him forever, and, no. Hell no. 

His lockjaw determination lasted long enough that his head started to ache. One seat over, the phone went on buzzing for awhile, dutifully passing along message after message. When he was able to count under his breath through gritted teeth up to three hundred without the thing going off again, he picked it up. Even Dave gave up, eventually.

TG: wait what no  
TG: man  
TG: i wish you could have heard the sigh i just made it was the absolute pinnacle of aggrieved dramatics  
TG: all long and drawn out and basically roxy tier quality  
TG: karkat  
TG: ill stop i promise  
TG: though i gotta wonder whats the big deal   
TG: this stuff isnt worse than the stuff weve said to each other like in real life while actually doing real things   
TG: for real  
TG: is there something about this medium in particular that you just find inherently unappealing  
TG: probably it just highlights all the worst parts of my personality  
TG: fair point and well made  
TG: i could just start sending saucy pics instead  
TG: would that be better or worse  
TG: probably worse theres no way i could stop myself from making them stupid and neither of us needs that evidence  
TG: we cant all have that natural made for exhibitionism bod like certain teen grandpas i could name  
TG: but wont because thats weird  
TG: fuck it was probably weird anyway  
TG: whoops  
TG: hey are you even still there  
TG: we dont ACTUALLY have to say and/or do anything saucy   
TG: its cool we can talk about literally anything else  
TG: how was your date  
TG: any good rose stories  
TG: i havent gotten any good embarrassing anecdotes to message her smugly about in awhile  
TG: and frankly we both know kanaya always gets a bunch about me out of you so you kinda owe me  
TG: …   
TG: man  
TG: karkat  
TG: did you actually put the phone away   
TG: unbelievable  
TG: well then  
TG: sorry  
TG: and also good luck with your totally lame and inefficient mortal transportation apparatus i guess  


And the really fucked up part was, he actually felt a little guilty, by the end. He tapped out a few half-responses, brows knit, stomach squirming uncomfortably, and not just because of the twists and turns the buggy was taking too fast through the city. He deleted them all, and then decided on something simple, instead. 

CG: HEY.  


He counted to thirty, staring down in disbelief. Dave never left a text hanging. 

CG: DAVE?  
TG: oh hey youre back  


He exhaled, weirdly relieved. 

CG: SORRY, I KIND OF FREAKED OUT.   
TG: really didnt mean to freak you out man  
CG: NO, IT’S FINE. I MIGHT HAVE SOME NEW ROSE STORIES, LET ME THINK.   
TG: i like where youre going with that  
TG: i really do  
TG: but i think im gonna tap out if thats ok  
TG: take a rain check   
TG: im pretty tired  
TG: think im gonna hit the hay   
CG: OH.   
CG: UH, OK?  
TG: cool gnight  
CG: YEAH, GOOD NIGHT.   
CG: I’LL, UH, TRY NOT TO MAKE TOO MUCH NOISE WHEN I GET BACK?  
TG: yeah thanks   
TG: later  
CG: LATER.  


Karkat stared at the cursor for a bit, brows knit, thinking. 

He thought about messaging Kanaya, but that idea lasted all of three seconds before he remembered what the crux of this bullshit was about, and… his cheeks went hot all over again. He tucked the phone into his pocket and spent the rest of the ride home with his chin resting in one hand, glaring out the window. He hadn’t done anything _wrong._ Had he? Of course not. 

When he got home, Dave was already asleep. Or rather, _pretending_ to be asleep, which was worse. Dave grumbled and shook off Karkat’s every sincere attempt to “wake” him, tossing and turning onto his side and pulling the snuggleplanes up and over his head, burying himself in them, and eventually, Karkat gave up. He couldn’t stay up dealing with this wiggler bullshit all night, no matter how much they needed to talk. 

But Dave absolutely had not wanted to talk about it -- or about anything, really -- the next morning, or the next day, or the day after that. This expert avoidance stretched into a weird, excruciating sort of torture: Dave fidgeted constantly and looked at him when he thought _he_ wasn’t looking. he acted like he was going to say something but then played it off like a joke five seconds later after he’d obviously thought better of doing so. He went out a lot and kept his communications almost exclusively to text, and not the fun, mostly enjoyable kinds; these were the ones soaked in ten layers of convoluted irony and clearly dancing around some unfathomable point. And worst of all, when Karkat actually did manage to sit him down and asked him honestly what the fuck was going on, he was just met with an impermeable plastic-capped stare and a flippant _nothing’s going on, bro, what’s going on with you?_

So the day after that, instead of enduring any more of that, Karkat was leaned back on a sofa with a bowl of popcorn balanced on his lap, his eyes half closed and his chin nearly touching his chest. Beside him, Jake English sat with a posture was basically the exact opposite: leaning forward, hands on his knees, eyes glued to the screen like they both hadn’t seen this movie already a thousand times each. Karkat used to think he had a pretty high tolerance for reruns, but this guy was fucking legendary. Jake jabbed an elbow at him while on screen, a would-be human princess was swept up in her prince’s arms, like this was new information or somehow unexpected to either of them. Karkat shoved Jake’s annoying prodding arm away from him, nearly upending the popcorn bowl. 

“I get it,” he growled, steadying it with his other hand. 

“This is the most romantic scene in the movie,” Jake reminded him, as if he didn’t already know. “Just making sure you aren’t dozing all the way through it, over there, seeing as how it’s your favorite bit.” 

“I’m not _dozing_ ,” Karkat snapped back.

“Could have fooled me, chum.” Jake glanced back and smirkedat him. Insufferable. Karkat narrowed his eyes in return, and Jake turned back around, shaking his head and chuckling to himself like he was in on some grand joke with a private, invisible audience. “You’re in a mood today,” Jake observed, grabbing a handful of popcorn. “More than usual, I mean.” 

“I’m not _in a mood_ ,” Karkat said, but it came out flat and totally unconvincing, because the truth was that he kind of was. “Anyway, who cares. Shut up, we’re missing the movie.” 

“Oh, so _now_ you care about missing the movie!” 

“Listen, English, I am not going to go airing out my relationship woes with -- _anyone_ , honestly, but least of all you, so yes, we are just going to be cool, and sit here and keep this totally about the fucking movie! Okay?” 

Jake opened his mouth, closed it again, and shrugged. Then he turned right back around and sat forward. He had a little telltale wrinkle between his brows, but he blessedly refrained from uttering another word. Karkat pressed his lips together. They watched the rest of the movie in awkward silence, and Karkat, at least, didn’t process a single damn word of it. The credits ran, and Jake shot little over-the-shoulder looks at him, like he wouldn’t notice.

When the credits finally ground to a halt, leaving them staring at a black screen and stripping the situation of every remaining bit of plausible deniability, Jake gently took the popcorn bowl from him and set it aside. Karkat crossed his arms, staring down at his own knees. Jake coughed. 

“I didn’t expect it would be something actually personal,” Jake said, finally, shooting him a sheepish grin that reminded him so much of Johnit actually made Karkat physically angry. “Sorry about that. I can just pretend I didn’t hear it, if you’d rather, christ knows I’ve said some things I’d rather the people who heard them would pretend to unhear.” He followed this up with an infuriatingly, disgustingly genuine smile.

God damn Egbert and his entire too-charming, dangerously likeable human clan. Karkat gritted his teeth. 

“It’s incredibly stupid,” he said. Jake snorted, and then leaned back on the couch, arms crossed casually behind his head. 

“Couldn’t be more stupid than some of the nonsense Dirk and I have been through,” he pointed out. “Generally speaking we’re top of the tally for that sort of thing.” 

“It’s also incredibly _embarrassing,_ ” Karkat muttered, planting his elbow on the side of the couch and his chin firmly in his palm, letting his eyes drift off to the side, looking anywhere but Jake. “And, yeah. You’re right. Personal.” 

“Well, I hope whatever it is, it sorts itself out for you soon enough,” Jake said, and at least this time Karkat could tell some of the cheer in his tone was definitely forced. It actually made him feel better, for some reason. “I hate to think of you and Dave having some kind of awful tiff -- oh, shit. Does Dirk know? Dirk would probably want to know. Er, not because he’s all up and up on the gossip mill or any of that, just, well…” 

Karkat shot a look at him, brows raised. Jake scratched the back of his neck and shrugged. 

“We didn’t have a _tiff_ ,” Karkat said. 

“Oh, good!” 

“At least, I don’t think so.” 

“I, er, oh. Well.” Jake cleared his throat. “It’d be a doozy of a fib if I said I didn’t know that exact feeling,” He punctuated this with a dramatic sigh. “I’d much rather a direct row than one of those wishy washy was-it or wasn’t-its _._ ” A tremulous grin. “Of course, every time we run across one you always give me the same advice --” 

“I _know._ ” Karkat waved a hand at him. “Talk to him. Well, he’s a slippery little shit when he wants to be and I have no idea how much seriousness this situation even actually merits!” 

And at this, Jake actually barked a startled laugh. “I have to say, it’s interesting seeing the tables so thoroughly turned on you this way!” 

“Fuck you!” 

Jake shrugged at him, flashing another one of those sheepish yet winsome grins. Karkat rolled his eyes. 

“You should send him a message,” Jake said, finally, in firmly definitive tones. “Just something casual like hey there, Strider, just wondering how you’re faring over there without me to keep you in line!” 

Karkat tapped his phone, considering. “That works for you, does it?” 

“Sure. Or at least, I can tell by whether he responds all sulky and sourpussed or not if he’s actually upset about something.” 

“What if he doesn’t respond at all?’ 

Jake laughed, again. “Oh, no. That’s not how it works, and you know it. Not with those two.” 

Well. Not usually, anyway. Fair enough.

“It’s just so stupid,” he said, picking up his phone, squinting at the sudden brightness of the screen. “I think I might have hurt his feelings? But I didn’t mean to! I thought he was, you know, just being _Dave_. And every time I try to bring it up he acts like he has no idea what I’m talking about, or...” He trailed off, shaking his head. His thumbs flew over the keyboard.

CG: I HOPE YOU AREN’T AIRING ANYTHING TOO RANCID OUT OVER THERE WITH THE OTHER STRIDER. I MEAN, IT WOULDN’T BE POISONING TOO MUCH, I GUESS, SINCE I’M FAIRLY SURE HE DOESN’T LIKE ME ANYWAY, BUT YOU KNOW HOW I AM. ONLY I’M ALLOWED TO DISLIKE PEOPLE. EXPERIENCING THAT FROM THE OTHER DIRECTION IS TOTAL BULLSHIT EVERY TIME, NO MATTER HOW WELL DESERVED.

He held his breath, waiting. 

TG: hahaha oh my god  
TG: dude  


He exhaled in an audible whoosh, eyeing the screen critically. Not exactly the response he had been anticipating. 

CG: WHAT?  
TG: i am not even joking right now this is fucking hilarious  
CG: WHAT???  
TG: sec im showing this to dirk immediately laugh my fucking ass off  
CG: WAIT, NO!  
CG: DON’T!!  
CG: GOD DAMN IT THAT HAS TO BE VIOLATING SOME KIND OF BRO CODE  
TG: im not even shitting you the exact second you sent that to me he was over here being all melodramatic about how you dont like him and even though he definitely deserves it it totally sucks and blah blah blah hahaha jesus  
TG: you both totally like each other get over yourselves  
TG: jake and i had better watch out this is how at least half of all romcoms start  
CG: I JUST FULL BODY SHUDDERED, AND NOT IN AN ANTICIPATORY WAY. IT WAS PURELY DISGUST, SO INTENSE THAT IT MOMENTARILY WRESTED CONTROL OF MY OWN BODY FROM ME.  
TG: uh huh  
TG: sure karkat  
TG: tell that to the director when they make a feature filkmm fk k   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK? ARE YOU LAUGHING, OR DYING?  
TG: Right now, the first. But hey, it’s still early. Let’s not rule out the second just yet.   
CG: I DON’T THINK SO. HANDS OFF, OTHER STRIDER. IF ANYONE IS GOING TO KILL HIM, IT’S GOING TO BE ME!  
TG: Fair and duly noted. Though I more meant that he might asphyxiate himself to death at this rate.   
TG: Uh, anyway. He’s   
CG: ???   
TG: One sec.   
CG: SURE.   
TG: Had to stop him somehow. You know how he gets.   
CG: I SURE FUCKING DO.   
CG: ARE YOU GOING TO PUT HIM BACK ON, OR THROW HIS PHONE IN THE OCEAN. I WON’T HOLD IT AGAINST YOU IF IT’S THE LATTER.   


No response. Jake cleared his throat from the other side of the couch. 

“Well, it can’t be going too badly, if you’re grinning like _that._ ” 

Karkat snapped his head up, schooling his expression instantly, but unable to suppress the deep blush that accompanied it. “Fuck you,” he mumbled again, studying the still-stagnant conversation window. 

“Well, so long as you’re busy, I’m going to see to a fresh batch,” Jake said, waving the empty popcorn bowl. Karkat’s phone buzzed, and he waved Jake absently away, nodding. 

TG: ok  
TG: needless to say hes not gonna do shit  
TG: except sit there and look contrite and idk gossip about us to jake and probably roxy  
TG: who will probably then gossip about us to rose and kanaya  
TG: who will definitely mention this to jade  
CG: MENTION WHAT, EXACTLY.  
TG: i guess the fact that ive kind of been a weird asshole the last few days  
TG: or something  
CG: OH.  
CG: UH. I DON’T THINK DIRK WOULD PHRASE IT EXACTLY THAT WAY.   
TG: anyway dont worry dude i didnt say anything bad about you  
TG: mostly just ripped on myself tbh  
TG: usually dirk has a stone cold monopoly on that business i dont think he really knows how to handle other people getting in on it  
TG: its cool tho  
TG: uh  
TG: did you say anything about me to jake  
CG: NOT REALLY.   
TG: ok  
CG: I MEAN, ALL I SAID WAS THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING STUPID, EMBARRASSING AND PERSONAL GOING ON THAT I DIDN’T REALLY FULLY UNDERSTAND. HE SEEMED TO GET IT, THOUGH.  
TG: yeah i bet  
TG: hey tell him this is pretty much his fault  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: yeah thats right  
TG: jake fuckin english  
TG: sext master extraordinaire  
CG: WOW!   
CG: JUST LOOK AT THOSE WORDS THAT I ABSOLUTELY NEVER NEEDED TO HEAR IN THAT EXACT SUCCESSION. IN FACT, I COULD HAVE GONE MY WHOLE LIFE HAPPILY NEVER HAVING READ THAT THING THAT YOU JUST TYPED. YOU’VE JUST MADE THIS ENTIRE TIMELINE A LITTLE DARKER FOR ME, DAVE. THANKS A LOT.  
TG: youre welcome  
TG: do you want to hear the rest of the story  
CG: I DON’T KNOW. DO I?  


“Uh oh,” Jake said, and Karkat snapped his head up. Jake was peeking in from the doorway, only half his face visible, the buttery smell of a fresh batch of popcorn wafting in behind him. Karkat glared at him. 

“Dave says to tell you this is all your fault.” 

“ _My_ fault!” Jake staggered into the room, clutching the bowl in one hand and theatrically at his own chest with the other. “Perish the thought! I’m innocent, I tell you. What could I have possibly done?” He flopped back onto the couch, slopping a few stray kernels over the rim of the bowl. He shot Karkat a wary look. “He’s not serious, is he?” 

“I’m not sure,” Karkat said, frowning at the screen. 

TG: probably not  
TG: but listen   
TG: dirk and i are just hanging out one day right  
TG: just talking and chilling and exchanging mix tapes like uh idk pretend i thought of a rad metaphor without wading proudly into freudian waters   
TG: and he gets this text and i swear to god  
TG: his face turns fuckin purple man  
TG: and im like what the fuck  
TG: and hes like nothing its just motherfuckin jake  
TG: he does this all the time he doesnt even think  
CG: SENDING LASCIVIOUS SUGGESTIONS VIA TEXT.   
TG: exactly  
TG: uhhh so im ribbing him about it because come on its fucking hilarious  
TG: and   
TG: idk  
TG: you know dirk he acts all like nothing affects him but man this totally did and it was funny as shit but also i thought it was like  
TG: kinda nice  
TG: i guess  
TG: in a stupid and awkward way dont get me wrong but lets just all collectively admit those adjectives describe me pretty well and move on  
TG: so im like all right: brilliant idea  
TG: im gonna try this on karkat   
TG: but uhhh turns out youre not dirk  
TG: i mean reaction wise obviously i wouldnt actually like  
TG: ugh god damn it i swear im trying to avoid freudian bullshit but the subject matter makes it hard  
CG: DOES IT, NOW.   
TG: oh god   
TG: stop  
CG: OK, BUT ONLY BECAUSE I’M EXPLICITLY TAKING PITY ON YOU.   
TG: ill take it  
TG: i accept this pity gratefully thanks  
TG: uh but so anyway i kinda got into it and you didnt and thats fine   
TG: i guess it just made me feel kind of insecure and ridiculous that you were like… totally ice cool about it for the most part and then you like make one vaguely suggestive offhand comment not even TRYING and  
TG: uh  
TG: well   
TG: look idk how far im willing to debase myself this is already pretty bad  


“Apparently, you inspired him to try initiating amorous… activities… over these stupid devices!” Karkat waved his phone at him, punctuating the accusation. “Do you actually just casually proposition Dirk while he’s busy with other people?!” 

Jake shot him a wide-eyed look, freezing halfway through shoveling a handful of popcorn in his mouth. He slowly lowered his hand, blinking rapidly, eyebrows furrowing behind his glasses. “I -- well, what’s that to any of you, exactly?” And he actually had the audacity to affect an _affronted_ look. “Nothing wrong with shooting off the odd _amorous declaration_ or two, so what? Besides, Dirk’s never complained -- at least not seriously -- and, I, well!” He sputtered out, outrage fizzling into vague embarrassment. “It’s just a thing we do,” he finished, cheeks flushed and blotchy. 

TG: long story short i was choking on my own ill considered boner before i realized the whole time i was makin you not the fun kind of uncomfortable after all and briefly wanted to die  
TG: but im cool now  
TG: its good  
TG: i mean if youre good  
TG: ...are you good?   
TG: i figured out i was overreacting two days ago but then i was just too embarrassed to talk about it  
TG: so yeah  
TG: you still there  


“Does he actually respond?” The words were out before Karkat could process them and think better of it, and they hung horribly between them for three stunned, excruciating seconds. Then Jake scooped up an entire handful of popcorn and threw it at him with a derisive snort. Karkat batted the kernels away, laughing nervously. 

“I can’t _believe_ you of all people would ask me to kiss and tell,” Jake admonished him, tossing another kernel at him. Karkat caught this one and ate it, defiantly. 

TG: karkat  
TG: bro  
TG: come on now really  


“I’m not asking you to kiss and tell! It just popped out! I regret it already, believe me!” 

CG: SORRY, I’M HAVING WORDS WITH SEXTONGUE HIMSELF, OVER HERE.   
TG: haha oh god  
TG: what exactly does that mean  
CG: EXACTLY WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE.   
TG: i dont think you realize exactly what that sounds like  
CG: GOD, DON’T.   
CG: DON’T MAKE IT WEIRDER THAN IT ALREADY IS.   
TG: right okay  
TG: im uh pretty much done anyway i think i said everything i wanted to say  
TG: explained everything i wanted to explain  
TG: thoroughly and ritually humiliated myself at the altar of my own terrible personality  
TG: etc etc  
TG: so yeah  
TG: that can be it i guess  
TG: assuming youre good  
CG: I’M GOOD.   
TG: sweet  
CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING TO TRICK ME INTO DOING SOMETHING EMBARRASSING SO YOU COULD LAUGH AT ME ABOUT IT LATER.   
TG: huh  
TG: thats fair  
TG: that definitely sounds like something i would do  
CG: FOR THE MOST PART IT WAS, IN FACT, THE FUN SORT OF UNCOMFORTABLE. IF SUCH A THING EXISTS.   
TG: you know it exists because you practically live there  
CG: SHUT UP!  
CG: ALL THIS TO SAY, IF YOU WERE ACTUALLY SERIOUS, AND NOT JUST TRYING TO COMMIT HUMILIATING MATERIAL TO REPEATEDLY OWN ME WITH LATER TO TEXT  
CG: UM  
CG: I GUESS I WOULDN’T BE OPPOSED TO A GENUINE… ATTEMPT.  
TG: oh shit  
CG: NOT RIGHT NOW!!  
TG: obviously not karkat jeez  
TG: i have my bro over here dying to know whether or not he inadvertently ruined our lives with his lewd sexting bandit boyfriend and you have said criminal probably all up in your business too  
CG: GOD  
CG: TELL DIRK I SAID HE’S AN OVERDRAMATIC GOGGLE EYED WIGGLER, AND TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR EVERYTHING MEANS HE HAS NO ACTUAL OR FUNCTIONAL SENSE OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY WHATSOFUCKINGEVER.   
TG: lmao  
TG: why dont you tell him yourself  
TG: text him that right now hell love it  
TG: not as much as unsolicited nudes from jake but hey we cant all have an ass like that  
CG: WOW.  
TG: UH  
TG: not that your ass isnt hot  
TG: i mean obviously it is!  
TG: i mean  
TG: i love your ass?  
CG: THANKS, I GUESS?!  
TG: also uh  
TG: probably you  
CG: PROBABLY SAME?  
TG: youre not giving me much to work with here  
CG: I KNOW. WE SHOULD TALK MORE ABOUT THIS LATER.   
CG: UH, WITHOUT THE AUDIENCE, I MEAN.  
TG: right  
TG: ok  
TG: cool  
TG: so uh  
TG: i guess...  
CG: I’LL SEE YOU LATER.   
TG: yeah  
TG: see ya  


He snapped his phone off with a huff, swallowing a nervous laugh trying its best to bubble up his talk tube. Jake was staring at him, one eyebrow expectantly raised. 

“We’re good,” Karkat said, like it was the most adequate explanation in the world. 

“Cheers to that,” Jake replied, and then his smile shifted slightly, taking on a positively malicious edge. “Also, of friggin _course_ Dirk responds. Not right away, usually, but eventually. And it’s a damn good time when he does, so you and your fella can take your puritan disapproval and stuff it, you got that?” 

“Fuck you,” Karkat said, pleasantly, already working hard to forget he’d ever heard that particular stream of words. “And pass the fucking popcorn, you greedy shit. I swear, you have to be the _worst_ host on this entire planet!” 

“Shut up and pick another movie,” Jake said, practically tossing the bowl at him. Popcorn kernels spilled everywhere, adding to the already considerable mess, and Karkat heaved a long suffering sigh. He’d probably end up cleaning it up before he left. He always fucking did. 

*

He was sitting downstairs on the couch fiddling with a stupid time wasting puzzle game Jade had insisted he download on his phone when the whole thing buzzed insistently in his hands. His concentration on maneuvering pixels into rows was so all consuming that this totally normal and predictable occurrence startled the hell out of him, such that he simultaneously dropped the phone on his face and nearly jumped right off the couch, cursing. The game played a disappointed jingle at him, plunging into a game over screen, and Karkat swiped it closed with an irritated grunt and examined his messages, frowning. 

TG: are you still playing that fucking game  
TG: its been like four hours man  
TG: i can tell you right now you are never gonna beat any of jades records so you might as well give up now  
CG: NO, FUCK YOU.   
CG: I JUST NEED TO PRACTICE!  
CG: YOU JUST FUCKED UP THE BEST PROGRESS I’D MADE IN WEEKS, BY THE WAY. SO THANKS FOR THAT.   
TG: youre welcome  
TG: now you can put that shit down and like  
TG: come to bed maybe  
TG: eyebrows etc  
CG: A COMPELLING POINT, TRULY.   
TG: that had better not be sarcastic  
CG: AND IF IT IS, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT.   
TG: hmm  
TG: idk  
TG: probably sulk pathetically is that what you want  
TG: is that the future you want to usher in karkat  
CG: THAT DEPENDS, WILL THIS BE THE QUIET KIND OF SULKING?  
TG: ouch  
CG: I’M JOKING.   
CG: OBVIOUSLY.   
TG: obviously  
CG: GIVE ME A MINUTE, AND I’LL BE RIGHT UP.   
TG: nice  
TG: now were talking  


Fully aware that he was wearing a very embarrassing and ridiculous grin, Karkat pocketed his phone and swung himself off the couch He stretched out all his surprisingly sore limbs, more than one bone popping audibly as he did, and turned toward the stairs… and stopped, his grin taking on a more mischievous meaning. He fished his phone back out and stomped up the stairs. He wanted Dave to hear him clear the landing, to think he would be walking into their block any second. 

Instead, he crept past the door and slipped into the upstairs ablution block, quickly locking all the doors. He thought about Dave, waiting on their bed, anticipating his arrival. He’d always put himself in these stupid fucking poses, like he was posing for the cover of a truly over the top romance novel. Karkat snickered to himself, wondering how long he’d keep that up before he realized. 

He sat with his back to the bedroom door and held his phone between his knees, waiting. 

It didn’t take long. 

TG: hey what the fuck  
TG: did you fall down the stairs  
TG: meme joke here  
TG: did you die are you dead now  
TG: karkat  
TG: i swear to god  
TG: if i go out there and you DONT have a broken neck im gonna… be real relieved actually but also kind of annoyed fyi  
TG: did you just change your mind  
TG: its fine if so ill live  
CG: YOU ARE REALLY NOT MAKING THIS EASY.   
TG: oh hey thank god  
TG: i was actually kinda nervous for a second there  
TG: uh   
TG: making what easy  
CG: I’M TRYING REALLY HARD TO FIND AN OPENING, HERE, BUT MY OPTIONS ARE TO START WITH “DID YOU LITERALLY FALL DOWN THE STAIRS AND DIE,” OR “I’M DAVE STRIDER, THE WORLD’S MOST INSECURE HUMAN.”   
TG: oh no dude  
TG: i think the fuck not  
TG: dont even try it dirk is definitely the worlds most insecure human   
TG: he has me beat several times over in that particular competition and you know it  
CG: DAVE.  
TG: whats up man are we doing this or what  
TG: this isnt the MOST confused boner ive ever had but its climbing the rankings fast  
CG: I DON’T WANT TO KNOW.   
TG: you absolutely do not  


He covered his mouth with one hand, muffling a sudden onset of nervous laughter. Well. This wasn’t going as well as he’d wanted it to, but it was definitely going about as well as he’d _expected_ it to. He sat perfectly still, considering, staring at the screen. Tapped the side of the phone. Bit his lip, and made a decision. 

CG: LET’S JUST START OVER. METAPHORICALLY REWIND BACK TO BEFORE YOU STARTED INDULGING YOUR UNHEALTHY OBSESSION WITH THE STAIRS, HOW ABOUT THAT.   
TG: ok  
CG: GREAT.  
TG: can i still say hey what the fuck  
CG: IF YOU MUST.  
TG: hey what the fuck  
CG: YES, DAVE?   
TG: are you coming up here or what  
CG: HMM. EVENTUALLY, MAYBE. IT DEPENDS LARGELY ON WHAT YOU SAY NEXT, SO BE CAREFUL.   
TG: i… uh, really really want you to?   
CG: DO YOU, NOW?   
TG: definitely yes   
TG: strong affirmative  
TG: do you want me to beg is this a kinky power play thing  
CG: HAH.   


Okay. This wasn’t _not_ working; the thought of him actually begging was honestly pretty good. Karkat crossed his legs and chewed his lip, running potential responses through his pan. If he was going to do this, he was going to do it right, damn it. 

CG: IF IT WAS, WOULD YOU DO IT?   
TG: are you joking of fucking course i would  


He laughed, trying his best to keep it quiet, thumbs already moving. 

CG: ALL RIGHT, THEN. HOLD THAT THOUGHT. LET’S SAY I WALKED IN, RIGHT NOW. WHAT DO I SEE?   
TG: me  
TG: looking totally sexy in a fresh set of vantas grey boxers  
CG: YOU -- WAIT, WHAT?  
CG: I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE THAT DRAWER ALONE!  
TG: yeah i totally found a loophole  
CG: THERE IS NO LOOPHOLE! KEEP YOUR GRUBBY NUBS OUT OF MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER! I HAVE EXPLAINED THIS A THOUSAND TIMES!!! IF WE ARE GOING TO COHABITATE, THERE ARE CERTAIN BOUNDARIES THAT NEED TO BE RESPECTED, DAVE!  
TG: you got something in there you want to keep hidden  
CG: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!   
TG: lmao is it a dildo karkat  
TG: oh shit is it bigger than me   
CG: GOD DAMN IT  
TG: im going to find it and compare   
TG: i gotta case the competition here  
TG: know what im up against  
CG: I DON’T HAVE ANY SEX TOYS IN MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER!!!!!!!  
TG: wow boring  
CG: ...DO YOU???   
TG: uh  
CG: OH MY GOD.   
CG: DAVE.  
TG: i stole these out of the dryer after you did laundry last time  
TG: thats the loophole  
TG: lets focus more on the fact that im laying in bed wearing your underwear come on that has to be at least a little sexy  
TG: think about it karkat theres absolutely no annoying patterns cavorting across my ass right now  
TG: just pure undecorated functionality and a surprising amount of comfort as far as the eye can see  
TG: i know youre into that dont lie  
TG: this would be sexier if you could see it i swear to god   


Karkat just sat there for a minute, covering his eyes, trying not to laugh or cough or swear or otherwise make any noises that would give his position away. Jesus Christ. What the fuck did Dave have in his underwear drawer? He shook his head. 

CG: OK, NEVERMIND.   
CG: LET’S REWIND AGAIN.   
TG: i could literally rewind us but sadly it wont take away the burden of our short term memories  
CG: YES, TRAGIC.   
CG: REWIND, FIGURATIVELY.  
TG: im still wearing your boxers  
TG: i could take them off i guess  
TG: do you want me to take them off  
CG: NO, LEAVE THEM ON.   
CG: ARE YOU STILL ON THE BED?   
TG: hell yes  
TG: laying back all ready for whatever lets go  
CG: RIGHT.  
CG: I WALK IN, AND I’M PAUSING IN THE DOORWAY, SURPRISED TO SEE HOW MUCH YOU’VE ALREADY TAKEN OFF. I’M NOT ALTOGETHER HAPPY ABOUT IT, BUT… I DO LIKE THE WAY YOU LOOK. I CAN’T STOP LOOKING AT YOU.   
TG: oh man  
TG: youre actually doing this   
TG: i mean were actually doing this  
CG: UNLESS YOU DON’T WANT TO???  
TG: no way i absolutely do  
TG: keep going what do you do next  
CG: NO!  
CG: THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS, DAVE!  
CG: I’M NOT JUST GOING TO DO THIS ALL MYSELF, YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY PARTICIPATE.  
TG: are you sure  
TG: i might be bad at it  
CG: DAVE.  
TG: ok all right  
TG: ok  
TG: i uh   
TG: yeah i see you staring and im sitting up and waggling my eyebrows at you because i know how much you love that  
CG: I’M GLARING AT YOU, NOW. GLARING DAGGERS AT YOUR BEAUTIFUL YET IMPUDENT FACE.   
TG: hands all on your hips   
TG: eyebrows squished together  
TG: hey get out of the doorway and come over here instead  
TG: lets get this show on the road  
CG: HMM. ALL RIGHT. I DECIDE TO HUMOR YOUR REQUEST, AND WALK UP TO THE FOOT OF THE BED. I’M CROSSING MY ARMS AT YOU.   
TG: do these boxers make my ass look fat or phat  
TG: personally i think the latter but your opinion counts for more  
CG: YOU LOOK GOOD, BUT I’M A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED.   
TG: what why  
CG: I’M FEELING SLIGHTLY ROBBED OF THE OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LIKE THAT PART.   
TG: oh wow  
TG: …   
CG: …?  
TG: i could put them back on  


God, it was so fucking hard not to _laugh._

Karkat had expected Dave to be bad at this. What he hadn’t expected was for it to be so fucking _endearing._ He settled back against the doorway, sure he was wearing an absolutely stupid grin as he typed. Whatever. 

CG: TOO LATE. I GUESS WE’LL JUST HAVE TO FIND SOME WAY FOR YOU TO MAKE IT UP TO ME, WON’T WE?   
TG: oh yeah  
TG: obviously dude  
TG: um  
TG: did you have something in mind or  
CG: I WANT TO HEAR YOUR IDEAS, FIRST.   
TG: oh god of fucking course you do  
TG: fuck ok  
TG: i guess i…   
TG: ok i get up and i crawl my hot grey-clad ass over to you  
TG: get up on my knees  
TG: are you still crossing your arms  
CG: ABSOLUTELY.  
TG: i go right for the button on your pants then  
TG: snap that open before you can even move  
CG: OH, NO, I DON’T THINK SO!  
CG: I GRAB YOUR WRISTS BEFORE YOU CAN GET ANY FARTHER THAN THAT.   
TG: alright  
TG: im looking up at you then  
TG: if you want my hands so bad and dont want me to touch you with em why dont you put them where you want them karkat because i sure dont know  


This actually sent a little flutter through him, he couldn’t deny it. Holy shit. Dave Strider had managed to successfully send him a mildly sexy text. He closed his eyes for a second, imagining it. Dave’s eyes, wide and looking up into his, his wrists warm and completely captured in his hands. What would he do? 

A thought occurred to him. He took a deep breath. 

CG: I WANT YOU TO -- FIRST, I WANT YOU TO KNOW IF THIS CONVERSATION EVER GETS OUT TO ABSOLUTELY ANYONE, I’M GOING TO KILL YOU.   
TG: karkat  
TG: you might have noticed but i am doing way worse at this than you are  
TG: i should be saying that to you  
CG: I’M SERIOUS.  
TG: im not gonna show anyone!  
CG: OK.   
CG: I’M LETTING GO OF ONE OF YOUR WRISTS, THEN.   
TG: just one  
CG: I’M USING MY FREE HAND TO PULL YOUR CHIN UP SO YOU CAN’T LOOK AWAY FROM ME, AND I’M LOOKING RIGHT INTO YOUR EYES.   
TG: oh jesus damn ok  
TG: youve got me im looking up and squirming a little because thats how i roll wrt intense eye contact but i cant look away  
CG: GOOD. I WANT YOU TO TAKE THAT FREE HAND I’VE GENEROUSLY GIVEN YOU, AND USE IT TO TOUCH YOURSELF.   
TG: yeah i  
TG: ok i can do that  
CG: I WANT YOU TO START SLOW, TOO. ARE YOU HARD, YET?  
TG: fuck are you kidding  
TG: dude my boner could literally penetrate steel right now  
CG: GOD.   
CG: IS THIS YOUR ACTUAL SITUATION, OR THE FANTASY SITUATION?   
TG: both  
CG: IN THAT CASE, I WANT BOTH ACTUAL YOU AND FANTASY YOU TO LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY. OVER THE CLOTHES ONLY, UNTIL I SAY OTHERWISE. NO CHEATING.   
TG: okay damn dude  
TG: im uh, yeah im just gonna go ahead and… do that  
CG: TELL ME WHAT YOU’RE DOING.  
TG: god  
CG: COME ON, JUST NARRATE IT. TELL ME WHAT YOU’RE DOING. WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. TELL ME HOW IT FEELS, DAVE.   
TG: jesus karkat  
CG: WELL…?  
TG: im gently caressing my raging boner through the smooth and silky fabric of your fabulously functional underwear  
TG: it feels like not enough but ill take it for now  
TG: sure does look like a perfectly adequate human dick making a totally obscene tent in your boxers  
CG: I’M TIGHTENING MY HAND AROUND YOUR OTHER WRIST, AND PUTTING ONE HAND IN YOUR HAIR. EVERY TIME IT LOOKS LIKE YOU MIGHT TRY TO CHEAT, I PULL IT A LITTLE.   
TG: oh dude no  
CG: YEP. EVERY TIME I HAVE TO DO IT, I’M GOING TO PULL A LITTLE HARDER.   
TG: i start almost cheating on purpose then  
CG: HEY!  
TG: just toying with the waistband of these slightly too tight shorts with my thumb  
TG: smiling up at you all maximum mischievous btw  
CG: I GRAB UP A FISTFUL OF YOUR HAIR AND SQUEEZE.   
TG: speaking of squeezing   
TG: still got that rhythm going over my dick  
TG: dont wanna rub too much we dont all have magic lubricating tentacles karkat mine chafes after awhile  
TG: kinda wishing i had my other hand to fondle my balls with theyre feeling a little neglected  
CG: ALL RIGHT. I’M LETTING GO OF YOUR OTHER HAND, AND PUSHING YOU BACK ONTO THE BED.   
TG: ah nice  
TG: kinda miss the hair pulling but nice  
CG: ARE YOU LAYING BACK?  
TG: yeah and btw typing this shit with one hand is hard  
TG: need to get me another pair of ishades that was the shit  
CG: DAVE.  
TG: shit yes sorry  
CG: MAKE SURE I CAN SEE IT ALL.   
TG: fantasy karkat has a front row seat trust me  
CG: GOOD.   
CG: SLIDE THAT BUSY HAND UNDER THOSE BOXERS, FOR ME.   
TG: fuck yes   
CG: TELL ME HOW IT FEELS.   
TG: it feels good  
TG: uh really good  
CG: HOT UNDER YOUR FINGERS?   
TG: so hot  
CG: DO THAT THING WITH THE TIP WITH YOUR THUMB.   
TG: yeah i   
TG: ok   
CG: NICE AND SLOW.   


A soft moan sounded through the door, and Karkat snapped his eyes up, inhaling sharply through his nose. Oh, fuck. He hadn’t even considered he’d be able to hear Dave from in here. He was definitely getting a little hot and bothered, himself, just knowing Dave was following his orders like this, that he was obviously enjoying this. But _hearing_ him… 

He had to get him to make that sound again. All kinds of sounds. 

CG: IMAGINE I’M CLIMBING ON THE BED, NOW, WATCHING YOU DO THIS.   
CG: I’M CRAWLING OVER YOU, YOUR LEGS BETWEEN MY KNEES, STOPPING ABOUT HALFWAY UP.   
CG: DON’T STOP TOUCHING YOURSELF, BY THE WAY.   
TG: im not stopping  
TG: are you touching yourself   
TG: i mean in real life wherever you are  
CG: NOT YET.   
TG: do you want to  
CG: DON’T DISTRACT ME. PAY ATTENTION.   
CG: YOU’RE GOING TO SLIDE THOSE BOXERS OFF YOUR HIPS, NOW. PRETEND IT’S MY HANDS DOING IT. I’M LEANING OVER YOU, WATCHING YOUR HAND WORK YOURSELF WHILE I PULL THEM DOWN, SLOWLY.   


There was another soft little moan, muffled through the door, and Karkat shifted his ass on the floor, opening his legs a bit. He could feel his body beginning to take _extreme_ interest in the proceedings, his bone bulge opening, his sheath beginning to swell. He swallowed heavily, typing fast. 

CG: I LOVE THE WAY YOU LOOK WITH MY BOXERS HALFWAY DOWN YOUR THIGHS, YOUR FINGERS TIGHT AROUND YOURSELF. YOU’RE BITING YOUR LIP WHILE YOU PLEASURE YOURSELF, AND YOUR EYES ARE BEGGING ME TO HELP YOU OUT.   
TG: hahah oh my god   
CG: -- WHAT!  
TG: i can tell im real worked up because that romance novel prose is actually working on me and i dont know how to handle that karkat  
TG: my goddamn everything is begging you to help me out   
TG: jesus christ  
TG: no look  
TG: i dont think i can do this sexting is cancelled  


He blinked, pausing mid-sentence and frowning at the screen.

CG: WHAT?   
CG: WHY?!   
TG: because i want you to just come in here from wherever the actual fuck you are and touch me for real god damn it  
TG: i dont want to just get off without you here  
TG: i mean if you literally werent here thatd be one thing and id totally be down to jerk myself off to the dulcet imagined tones of suave orders giving romance novel karkat  
TG: but you ARE here and the real you is way better than fake you  
CG: I, UM  
CG: GOD DAMN IT!  
CG: I CAN’T DECIDE IF I SHOULD BE PISSED OFF OR NOT!!!   
TG: i dunno   
TG: you usually err on the side of pissed off but i swear im not trying to piss you off right now  
CG: I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW, I WAS ACTUALLY STARTING TO REALLY ENJOY THAT!  
TG: yeah i uh could kind of fucking tell  
TG: and im real sorry but i just like  
CG: ???  
TG: gahhfgh how do i even explain  
TG: listen youre really good at this ok??   
TG: i thought wed both totally suck at this and itd just be mutually hilarious while also being hot enough to get off eventually  
TG: but youre actually driving me a little bit crazy   
TG: i shoulda seen this coming  
TG: you read like two sexy books a day what was i thinking  


He slumped backward with a heavy sigh, thumping the back of his head against the door. The warmth that _had_ been pooling in his middle had all but evaporated, leaving him with a vaguely unpleasant tightness deep in his belly. He rubbed his thighs together absently, trying to ease his baffled nethers.

TG: … are you in the bathroom right now  
CG: DO YOU REALLY WANT TO STOP?   
TG: would you really actually rather keep going   
TG: over like actually coming in here and ravishing me like youre a tall rippling sea dweller with a dark past and a heart of gold and im a cheeky rustblood in a totally popping lacy corset being all impertinent and shit  
CG: OH MY GOD, SHUT UP!  
TG: i gleaned all of that from the cover of the book you left on the kitchen table this morning btw  
CG: YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!   
TG: get in here and fuck me silly with your superior love tentacle karkat  
TG: put my insubordinate and shapely ass in its place with your writhing fuck appendage  
CG: GOD DAMN IT, DAVE!  
CG: MY BULGE IS RETREATING SO FAR AND FAST IT’S PRACTICALLY INVERTED ITSELF!  
TG: hot  
CG: NOT HOT!!  
TG: bring it over here and sit on my face  
TG: ill have it out of there in no time  


Okay, holy shit. Karkat’s bloodpusher kicked right back into gear and his face went absolutely crimson, his cheeks actually tingled with the heat that washed through them. This wasn’t exactly the narrative fantasy he’d been charting out for them a minute ago, but, uh -- fuck. His bulge shivered inside him, confusion abated, once again happily convinced that it was about to become very relevant. Karkat wasn’t sure he disagreed.

CG: WILL YOU REALLY.  
TG: fuck yes dude get over here and let me show you  
TG: you know your bulge loves my tongue theyre like slimy prehensile bffs  
CG: GOD, YOU ARE SO FUCKING BAD AT THIS  
TG: yeah but you know what im fuckin great at karkat?  
CG: LET ME GUESS.  
TG: im licking my lips very slowly and seductively right now jsyk  
CG: OKAY  
TG: okay?  
CG: OKAY, YOU WIN.   
CG: SEXTING IS CANCELLED!  
TG: next time im just going to go full jake english  
CG: NEVER SAY THOSE WORDS AGAIN  
TG: and just stick to sending sexy pics when you least expect it no narrative required  
CG: YOU’VE NEVER TAKEN A “SEXY PIC” IN YOUR LIFE.   
TG: wow karkat  
TG: wow  
TG: fuckin ouch man  
TG: wanna bet  
TG: im taking one right now get ready  
CG: OH GOD.  


The client chimed, helpfully informing him that turntechGodhead is sending an embedded file!, and Karkat slapped his hand over his mouth and muffled his laughter -- poorly -- into his fingers as a perfectly framed image of Dave’s pink human penis appeared on screen, sprouting proudly from a thatch of blonde hair between his legs. What the fuck was with humans and hair? He had his hand in the frame, too, cheerfully flipping him off, and -- _god._ He shook his head, holding his breath to keep the embarrassing fucking giggles in.

Another warning chimed, and Karkat held his phone out like it was a live slitherbeast, curled and poised to strike. This file coalesced into a blurry selfie: Dave’s eyebrows were up, his tongue was out, and Karkat couldn’t help it, he pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them and laughed into his own bent elbows. 

He snuck another look at Dave’s face, teasing him in miniature on the screen.

God. 

TG: i can hear you laughing in there  
TG: dont laugh at my dick pics karkat at least not where i can hear  
CG: I CAN’T HELP IT!  
TG: rude  
TG: unbelievably rude  


Karkat took a deep breath. He shut the screen off and pulled himself to his feet, still fighting off the urge to laugh. He set his phone onto the counter, shut his eyes, sucked in another breath and held it. The phone buzzed incessantly, because of course it did. He ignored it; instead, he thought of Dave, laying back and waiting for him. Eager -- _begging_ for him. 

Yeah.

He slammed the door open, and had the immense pleasure of watching Dave leap half off the bed, head swiveling to stare at him over his shoulder.

“Oh, shit,” Dave said, and then he tossed his phone casually behind him and grinned in that enormously endearing way he had, wide and genuine and untouched by any idiotic coolkid posturing. Karkat’s bloodpusher tripped over itself, skipping several beats in his chest, and he crossed the distance to the bed in a blink. He grabbed Dave’s shoulders, let himself enjoy the little surprised sound he made for just a second, and then pushed him roughly backward, swinging one leg over to straddle him. He was, in fact, still wearing Karkat’s boxers, bunched up halfway down his legs. 

“Get those off,” Karkat said. Dave’s eyes widened a bit, fluttering down and then back up again. Then he nodded and started kicking furiously, wriggling them the rest of the way off. Simultaneously, Karkat unbuttoned his own jeans, peeling them down just enough. Dave reached up to help him, and Karkat slapped his hands away. “What was it you were saying you wanted me to do, again?” 

Dave laughed, thin and breathless. “Get up here,” he said. “Let me in there.” Karkat’s sheath shivered again, warm arousal rising through him like steam. 

“I don’t know, I kind of have something in my fucking way,” he teased, sliding his fingers around the base of Dave’s ridiculous human dick. A surprised little half-grunt fell out of his mouth, and this quickly turned into a self indulgent moan as Karkat pumped his length. He let his head fall back into the pillows. 

“Oh, yeah,” he gasped, while Karkat continued to work him, gripping tight, moving slow. “I can see how that would be a problem, you know, considering how huge it is and all.” 

Karkat snorted at him, but said nothing, electing instead to watch his face while he did this. Dave’s eyes fluttered shut, his lips parted slightly, and his weird pink tongue poked out and ran over them. He sighed, reaching up with one hand to squeeze a pillow and down with the other to squeeze what he could reach of Karkat’s leg. His eyes opened again, flickering down to watch Karkat working him and then up to meet his eyes. Karkat smiled at him. Dave flushed crimson, immediately averting his eyes. 

“Jesus Christ, dude,” he muttered, giving his leg another squeeze. “Fuck, keep going…”

Instead, Karkat shimmied down his legs and let him go. Dave lifted his head, just in time to meet Karkat’s eyes as he leaned over and licked a wet stripe up the underside of his dick. Dave’s mouth fell open. “Oh, fuck yes,” he gasped, and Karkat held his gaze defiantly while he laved his tongue around the swollen head, licking up the beads of moisture gathering there. Dave made a strangled sound, his hips bucked, and Karkat took him into his mouth, sucking hard. Dave clapped hand over his mouth, moaning and mumbling a bunch of probably nonsense into his fingers. Whatever he was saying, Karkat was glad he couldn’t make it out. Dave’s ridiculous sex rambles were notoriously embarrassing.

He lifted his mouth off him, licking his lips, and Dave made a little bereft sound. “You’re not the only one that can do this,” Karkat said. He didn’t even try to keep the little thread of smugness out of his voice. Dave’s hips bucked up again, begging for more. 

“Yeah, no, I know, I _know_ that, I just thought, you know, hey Karkat, why don’t you come out here and suck my dick -- that’s not a very convincing thing to say, probably, so --” 

Karkat licked another stripe up his length, base to tip, and Dave’s words dissolved into a long, low, and grateful noise. “I know this might surprise you, but I like to make you feel good, too.” And he wasn’t just saying that -- the sounds Dave was making had him nearly unsheathed on their own. 

“Oh -- ah, oh, yeah? Are you sure it wasn’t just -- _fuck_ \-- that super sexy picture, driving you totally crazy --” 

Karkat had to let him drop out of his mouth again so he could laugh. He licked his lips. “Never send me a picture of this thing again,” he said, seriously. 

“That is not a promise I’m willing to make,” Dave replied, just as seriously. Karkat rolled his eyes, shimmied forward a bit, and wrapped his lips back around Dave, moving his tongue like he could punish him with it. Dave dropped back into the pillows again, hissing a long, soft _yesssss_ up to the ceiling. Eventually, Karkat felt his fingers fumbling into his hair, brushing over his horns, flexing in time with his little gasps and groans. He closed his eyes and took him as deep as he could -- he was getting pretty good at it, now -- and swallowed around him. “Shit,” Dave panted, hips jerking. “Shit, Karkat, _fuck!_ ” He was getting close, now, and Karkat didn’t actually want him _finished_ , yet, so it was with some regret that he lifted his head off him, sitting back and breathing deep, trying to catch his breath.

Dave covered his face with both hands, making a frustrated sound. Karkat wiped his mouth on his sleeve. “Don’t come,” he said, leaning over and kissing him right above the silly, unnecessary patch of hair above his bulge, dragging his lips up the soft skin there to his navel. He kissed him there, too. Dave shivered under him. 

“I’m good,” Dave said, eventually, though his voice was still suspiciously strained. Karkat grinned against his skin, kissing his way up over his chest, pressing their hips together, shifting until Dave’s bulge was pressed pleasantly against the swollen edges of his sheath. When he leaned in and kissed his lips, Dave wrapped his arms tight around him, fingers gripping tight into the fabric of his sweater. His lips parted eagerly, and Karkat licked gently into his mouth, wondering if he could taste himself on his tongue. 

_That_ was the thought that his bulge responded to, ultimately, that and the feeling of Dave pressed against him, hot and hard. There was a wet sound, and Karkat broke off the kiss and ducked his head, moaning into the side of Dave’s neck as his bulge slid free and immediately found Dave, wrapping itself around his dick in greedy little coils. 

“Oh, Jesus _fuck_ ,” Dave groaned, bucking up again, fingers scrabbling claw-like against Karkat’s back. “Oh my _god_ , Karkat, if you didn’t want me to come --” 

“ _Don’t_ ,” Karkat warned him, and Dave made a pathetic sound, squeezing his eyes shut tight. 

“I can’t --” 

“ _Dave._ ” 

“I’m going to fucking die,” he panted, voice high. Karkat tilted his chin up and bit his ear. “Fuck,” Dave gasped again, twisting his head away. He laughed, practically wheezing. “That doesn’t actually help,” he said. “You know I like that shit.” Karkat sighed at him, rolled his hips one more time, and then regretfully sat up and reached down to untangle the situation between them. Dave kept his eyes carefully up on the ceiling, chest rising and falling with each heavy breath, trying to get himself back under control. Karkat watched this with interest, stroking himself in long, lazy pulls. Dave was a lot closer than he was. He was also beautiful like this, a hair’s breadth from coming apart, and trying so goddamn hard not to do so. 

“Better?” Karkat teased, watching him breathe in deep, exhale, repeat. 

“Maybe,” Dave said. He opened his eyes. “Are you going to come up here, now?” Karkat tilted his head, considering him. He continued to stroke himself, squeezing gently, slow and sweet. Dave’s eyes kept flicking down to watch. “Come on,” Dave said. “Please?” 

Karkat paused mid-stroke, eyebrows high. “Well,” he conceded, “since you asked so _politely…_ ” 

“Yeah,” Dave agreed, wiggling his back and shoulders up against the pillows. “Please, Karkat, pretty please, cherry on top, the whole nine yards, please please get up here and put your weird ass wiggle dick directly in my face.” 

“You were so close to actually making that work.” Karkat shook his head. “So close, and yet so, _so_ fucking far.” 

“Karkat…” He was practically whining, now. 

“Oh, fine,” Karkat said, because the truth was, Dave had gotten _really_ fucking good at this at some point, and his enthusiasm was as exciting as it was totally fucking mystifying. He tried not to think about it too hard, crawling up his body, feeling Dave’s palms slide up his legs and his fingers lock behind his back, pulling him closer. He settled himself with his knees on either side of Dave’s face, digging into the mattress.

“Fuck yes,” Dave breathed, settling his shoulders on the back of Karkat’s legs. He leaned in, lips parted, and Karkat tipped his head back and gripped the headboard with one hand while his bulge acquainted itself excitedly with Dave’s eager tongue. It felt _amazing,_ it always did. Dave had learned exactly how to make his bulge move the way he wanted, teasing him with the tip of his tongue, circling and swirling and curling. He made these little noises as he did so, the sound vibrating around his bulge, and _fuck._

“God,” Karkat moaned, reaching down with his other hand to grab a handful of Dave’s hair. “How the fuck are you so _good_ at this, what the _fuck._ Ah, do that again, with your -- yes, that, exactly, holy _shit…_ ” He felt Dave’s lips part even wider, felt his bulge push even further in, felt Dave moan appreciatively around him, either in response to this movement or to his word or both. Dave’s fingers unlocked behind him, moved to squeeze his ass, and Karkat lifted his hips to give him better access. He grunted with effort, yanking Karkat’s pants down over his ass, halfway down his hips. A steady stream of warm, sticky fluid was dribbling down Dave’s chin and Karkat’s thighs, and Dave’s fingers gathered it up and worked themselves against his nook, easing the tight ring open. “Keep going,” Karkat begged him, hips swaying, voice strained. “Dave, god, just -- do it, open me up -- _ah_ , fuck! Fuck, fuck, yes…” 

Dave flared his nostrils, breathing noisily through them, then swallowed around his bulge and sank a finger into his nook, nice and deep. Karkat arched his back, suspended between the two sensations, moaning incoherently as he rocked back and forth. Dave slid a second finger in, stretching him between them, opening and closing and ah, fuck, _god_ , it was so good. His bulge shivered and pulsed, his nook squeezed down around Dave’s fingers, and the heat that had been slowly consuming him fanned itself into a full on fire.

Dave pulled his mouth off of him, coughing, and Karkat outright growled, his bulge curling between them in the sudden, shocking cold. “Oh, dude,” Dave gasped, voice raspy. “Karkat, fuck, you are so fucking _hot_.” Karkat slid a hand down and gripped the base of his bulge, holding it mosty still, squeezing to give himself a tiny bit of relief. Dave’s fingers continued to fuck in and out of him, opening and closing, stretching his nook around them. He growled again, swinging his hips forward. 

“Did I say to stop?” he demanded, and Dave coughed again and grinned up at him, face flushed, lips wet and swollen, eyes watering. Oh, fuck. His sheath shivered and a fresh bit of slurry trickled out of him, warm down his thighs. Dave licked his lips, watching this. 

“Oh, I get it,” Dave teased, “So I’m not allowed to come, but you are? Is that how it is?” 

“If I want to, I will,” Karkat snapped at him, pushing his hips forward. “Maybe I will just because you said that, how about that?” 

“Fuck yeah,” Dave said. “Drown me, Karkat, come on, go ahead.” 

“Fuck _no_ ,” Karkat rolled his eyes, trying not to laugh. “No, that’s it, you’ve ruined it --” 

Dave leaned forward, ignoring him, and caught the tip of his bulge with his tongue, and hot sparks leapt from his bulge to his belly and right up his posture pole. He gasped, jerking back, and Dave’s fingers wiggled inside him, and -- _fuck!_ “Come on,” Dave said, and then he swirled his tongue around the tip of his bulge, ran it slow and sweet on the underside, closed his lips around it and sucked, gently at first, then harder, slowly increasing the pressure. Mother _fucker!_ How was he so good at this?! Karkat choked out a few garbled gasps, and then he yanked his bulge out of Dave’s reach, swearing loudly. Dave gave him a cheeky look and opened his mouth, spit and slurry on his tongue, and Karkat grabbed his hair and yanked his head up and _hissed._ Dave just blinked at him, his freckle-dusted cheeks flushed dark. 

“I know you wanna finish,” he said, voice hoarse. Karkat reached behind him, pulling his hands away, gripping his wrists tight. 

“You don’t know the fucking half of it,” Karkat said. He pushed Dave’s hands away, and then disentangled himself from their current position, shimmying back down his body. He heard Dave swallow and mutter a little string of swears. He stopped when he felt the hot press of Dave’s bulge against his backside, still plenty stiff and exactly what he wanted, weird though it was. Karkat guided the head of it against his nook. 

“Oh, dude,” Dave choked out, realizing what was about to happen, finally, “I am not gonna last long like that, Karkat, oh, fuck…” 

“Long enough,” Karkat said, and then he sank down on him, slowly, the first press of him inside was always so _much_. Dave arched up, gasping, scrabbling for a grip on Karkat’s hips, squeezing tight enough to bruise. “Don’t come.” 

“Working on it,” Dave assured him, faintly. “But, oh, fuck, Karkat, _please._ ”

“Look at me,” he demanded, sinking down his length, relishing the full sensation, the way it stretched him, hard and unyielding and so, so, good. Dave shook his head, desperate. 

“I can’t,” he said. “Shit, I can’t, I can’t, I’ll just -- you’re so hot, Karkat, you’re so hot and tight and, oh, f-ffuck, _shit!_ ” 

Karkat leaned forward, gripped Dave’s shoulders tight, and began to move his hips, angling himself just right, shuddering as he sank back down and Dave’s bulge pushed into his seedflap, sending new fingers of heat through every part of him. He ground his hips forward, back, keeping the pressure on that spot, then lifted again and sank down, faster. “ _Yes,_ ” he heard himself say, mindlessly, feverishly, “Yes, yes, _yes_.” Dave was no longer even managing to make words at all, practically whimpering, jaw clenched tight, focusing everything on holding himself back for him. 

“You’re doing so good,” Karkat told him, legs burning as he moved himself up, down, around and up again. Dave said nothing, but his fingers gripped him even tighter and he bit his lip, brows knit, little grunts and whimpering moans slipping out. “So good, Dave, hold it for me, oh my _god_ , I love -- this, I love _this_ , fuck!” Dave let out a shuddering breath, and Karkat watched sweat trickled down his face, past his ears, and Karkat felt it on him, too, rolling down his back. He was so hot, he should have taken his fucking sweater off. _Fuck_ , why was he thinking about that now?! He reached down and stroked himself, squeezing tight and moving fast, and Dave’s eyes popped open as warm red slurry dripped between Karkat’s fingers and onto his stomach. 

“Oh Jesus _fuck_ ,” he breathed, “Nope, I can’t, I fucking can’t, Karkat, I’m gonna come, I’m gonna fuckin -- oh, I’m --” 

“ _Don’t_ ,” Karkat gasped, frantically, moving faster. “Don’t you goddamn dare, Dave, I’m close --” 

Dave let go of his hips and grabbed his wrists, yanking him forward. Karkat toppled over, caught offguard, and growled furiously -- he was _close_ , damn it -- and Dave hooked one arm around him and used the other to flip them over, and, oh, _oh, fuck --_

“Dave!” Karkat gasped, “Oh, fuck, _yes,_ fuck me,” he demanded, repeating this like a mantra while Dave pushed his legs up and bent him in half, driving into him, hard and fast. “Fuck me, fuck me, _fuck me_ ,” Karkat cried, louder which each snap of his hips. His bulge shivered and shuddered, leaving thick, slippery trails on both their stomachs, half the mess soaking into his sweater, and he was so close, so close, so _close._

“Karkat,” Dave groaned, leaning forward, folding him in two, snapping up and in and _yes_ , that spot, he was so -- “Come with me, come on, I’m -- come _on_ , I’m, ah, fuck, _now_ , come _on_ , Karkat --” 

“-- Dave --” 

“ _Fuck,_ ” Dave cried, voice shaking, and Karkat felt him shudder deep inside him, felt his body tense and his climax roll through him like a wave. “Fuck, yes, _fuck_ ,” he went on, hips stuttering against him, and Karkat groped blindly between them, found his writhing bulge and stroked himself hard, so close, so close. Dave sucked in a deep breath and went still over him, and Karkat whimpered desperately, his knees up around his ears, squeezing and stroking in frenzied rhythm. 

He opened his eyes when he felt Dave’s fingers against his face, cradling his jaw, thumbs brushing over his cheeks. Dave’s eyes burned into his, wide and red and beautiful. “God damn it, Karkat,” he whispered, “ _come for me._ ” His insides turned to molten jelly, and he gave himself one final gasping squeeze as he tipped over into his own climax, wet heat pooling between them, sheeting out of his overtaxed bulge in shuddering waves. Karkat flung his arms around Dave, clinging to him while he rode the rest out, shivering. 

Dave kissed him hard, swallowing the embarrassing mewling sounds he made, and when it was mostly over and he could think again, he kissed back, wet and sloppy and enthusiastic. 

Eventually, he pushed Dave back with a little grimace. “I can’t fucking breathe,” he said, truthfully, and Dave laughed softly and moved back, letting him unfold himself and fall back against the pillows, gasping. Dave tugged insistently at his pants -- they were soaked through with slurry, he’d have to throw the damn things away, jesus christ -- and slid them off completely, tossing them off the foot of the bed. Then he did the same with his sweater, pushing it up over his chest, and Karkat sat up and lifted his arms and let him peel the whole sweat and slurry soaked mess off him, grimacing as it went over his head. Dave tossed that off to the side, too, and then he grinned down at him, still breathing hard. 

“Sorry,” he said, in a tone that suggested he was absolutely not sorry in the least, and Karkat groaned and batted weakly up at him, shoving his shoulder. 

“You got lucky,” Karkat growled at him, and Dave laughed and flopped down on top of him, snuggling close, which was nice because Karkat was self aware enough to acknowledge he liked to cuddle, and also terrible, because they were covered in tacky red slurry that was only getting stickier by the second. “I swear to god, three seconds earlier and I’d be kicking your ass out of this hive, right now!” 

“I can tell when you’re close,” Dave said, _far_ too smugly, pressing a lazy wet kiss over his shoulder, and then another closer to his neck. Karkat sighed. 

“Lucky,” he mumbled again, running his hands down Dave’s back, scratching lightly with his nails. Dave wiggled against him, making a _hmm_ sound that vibrated into his skin. 

“That felt so good,” he said, nuzzling against him, dragging his lips up to nibble at his earlobe. Karkat squeezed him tight, his bloodpusher still working far too fast. “So fucking good, man, fuck… maybe you should lock yourself in the bathroom for twenty minutes before we get going every time, huh?” 

“Fuck you,” Karkat snorted, raking his nails down a little harder, this time. Dave just made another _mmm_ noise, breathing noisily in his ear. “I think we have _firmly_ established that you don’t like that shit nearly as much as you thought you would.” 

“I liked it,” Dave insisted, sounding indignant. “I’m just _bad_ at it. I liked all that totally corny shit you were saying, I said that, didn’t I?” 

“So next time, you just want me to type sexy soliloquies at you until you decide you’re good and ready to go? That doesn’t seem fair.” 

“I’ll send pics,” Dave said, firmly. Karkat grunted at him, too tired to argue. All his limbs felt too heavy, his think pan replaced with a jumble of of frizzy stuffing. Dave kissed the side of his face. Karkat turned his head and kissed back. 

“If you send me a goddamn dick pic,” he said, speaking between kisses, “while I’m out in public, or hanging out with someone else, or doing goddamn anything except -- mmph -- sitting in here waiting for it, I’m going to break that thing _off_ , do you hear me?” 

“I don’t _not_ hear you...” 

“I do not want to see even the _suggestion_ of a dick!” 

“We’ll see,” Dave said, in a tone that suggested he was absolutely going to fill Karkat’s phone with filth the second he was able. “Hold on.” He squirmed over to the side, leaning half off the bed, and Karkat lifted his head, trying and failing to see over his shoulder. 

“What?” 

“Nothing, just -- yeah, here,” Dave rolled over on his back, pillowing his head on Karkat’s shoulder, and held something up. Karkat realized _far_ too late that it was actually his fucking phone. “Say cheese,” Dave said, making a stupid v-sign he’d never fully explained the meaning of with his fingers. 

“Don’t!” Karkat gasped, just as the flash went off. “Dave! God _damn_ it, delete that!” He lunged for him, but Dave rolled out of his reach, too quick to catch. Karkat fell back against the pillows, covering his eyes with the heels of his palms. 

“You’re gonna love it,” Dave promised him, ominously. 

“Kill me,” Karkat groaned up to the ceiling, but predictably, the only answer was Dave’s laughter, low and warm and full of ill intentions. 

In the distance, he heard his phone buzz on the bathroom counter.

“I’m going to block your number,” Karkat decided. 

“No, you won’t,” Dave said, perfectly cheerful, flopping back down beside him. He threw an arm over his chest and snuggled in close.

“I will! I’ll block you on every messaging service there is!” 

“I’m taking another one after you fall asleep,” Dave whispered into his ear. Karkat elbowed him. Dave flung a leg over him, too, clinging tight. “And when you get up in two hours and make us shower, I’m gonna take, like, fifty more --” 

“God damn it,” Karkat groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m going to kill _Jake._ ” 

“Whatever makes you feel better,” Dave yawned, breath tickling his ear. “Poor Dirk, though.” 

“Fuck Dirk, and fuck Jake, and fuck you!” 

“Love you too, ‘Kat,” Dave mumbled. “See you in a couple hours.” 

“...Yeah,” Karkat muttered, face flushing. “Uh, see you soon.” He paused, briefly. “ _After_ I flush your phone down the toilet.” 

“Mmf,” Dave replied, amicably, already half asleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr at [@landofsomethingsomething!](http://landofsomethingsomething.tumblr.com)


End file.
